Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Spiderman 4 (just a glance)

Here is the glance of Spiderman 4

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor(trailer)

The brand new part of The Mummy:

New trailer

Friday, July 18, 2008

Online Dating Rules

  • Always let them come to you, don't chase via email

  • Block anyone who annoys you instantly

  • Place the best & most vampish photo up you can find

  • Don't reply to instant messages with clever opening lines

  • Remain aloof and let yourself be chased

  • Always reply to emails at least 3 days after receipt

  • Never provide you true email or phone details to the man

  • Always date safely and protect yourself at every turn

  • Make sure your login name is stunning and sexy as well as enigmatic

  • Do not login for hours on end. Short, rapid visits are best

  • Do not assume the man you are talking to is destitute or sad

  • Never ever reply to emails at weekends, wait until a weekday

  • Never state how good your sexual performance is in your profile

  • If you don't want to date married men spell it out in your profile

  • A man who doesn't reply to your email within 3 days should be ignored

  • Make sure your humor levels come across in text

  • Do not chat to hundreds of men at once, the delay in replying is a dead giveaway and your Mr. Right will be off.

  • Don't even think about misrepresenting your size or description. They will find out.

  • Come across as cool and sophisticated for best results

Always remember ladies that you are a sexy desirable woman and the world is your oyster. Always let men do the chasing and always let yourself be the chooser. Always stay safe and never risk yourself for the sake of attending a date. Always use a safe dating website

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Evil Grandma Joke

One day, a boy wakes his father up and says: "Daddy! Daddy! Today's my birthday! Guess how old I am!"
"I Don't know son, how old are you?"
"I'm eleven years old!"
"That's amazing. Now go tell your mother in the living room, or something."
So the boy find's his mother and says: "Mommy! Mommy! Guess how old I am!"
"I don't know."
"I'm eleven years old!"
"Great, now go tell your grandmother in the kitchen."
So the boy finds his grandmother and says:"Grandma! Today is my birthday! Guess how old I am!"
So Grandma unzips the boy's pants and with her cold, wrinkley, gnarled hand begins feeling the boy's scrotum. After some time the grandmother takes her hand out and says: "You are eleven years old."
"How could you possibly know that?!" replies the dumbfounded and violated boy.
"I heard you tell your mother..."

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Dating Rules Do's

1. Do try to look your best and be punctual on dates
2. Do have fun when dating. I know the subject of Mr. or Miss Right is serious but dating is fun too so keep it that way.
3. Do flatter and compliment your date on the way they look and the things they wear. People tend to go to a lot of effort on a date (hopefully) so being told that you are looking good is a nice thing to hear.
4. Be interested and interesting. As the Pet Shop Boys once said, I was never bored because I was never being boring" or something similar. You get my drift.
5. Do tell someone if you are not interested in dating them again. Being lied to and hopes kept alive is an evil and malicious act (yes I mean it that strongly). If you don't want to see someone again then let them know that in the nicest possible way you can.
6. Do date the type of people you like and are attracted to, whatever your friends may say. Approval by your peers doesn't prove a thing.
7. Do stay positive even when dates don't end well. It is most certainly true that you will date a few frogs before you find a prince. Along the way you will meet some nice people too and make some good contacts possibly.
8. Dating is a creative diversion, it requires concentration and energy so when you are dating keep some plans in the forefront of your mind and allow dating to take you to places you always wanted to visit within your own city.
9. Do make dating happen for yourself. People will not come and ring your bell from nowhere. Dating requires positive action so go out there and meet people, as many people as you can. Practice your chat and flirting on shop workers, bar attendants, anywhere and everywhere. Being nice to people is very sexy and great fun.
10. Do surround yourself with positive like minded people who are also dating. Think about the girls from Sex and the City and how they assist each other in dating and matters of romance. Negative friends who don't condone the dating scene or don't understand it will only help lower your own expectations and make you feel negative.

Friday, July 11, 2008

21 types of pisser

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

Dating Rules Don'ts

1. Never call someone more than once a day unless they reply. Desperation and instability are huge turn offs.
2. Don't date the people who you usually find dump you. You may be generally attracted to bastards but that will not get you anywhere except hurt.
3. For men, never ever be late for a date, even if you have a very good reason. Women should never be kept waiting and should never have to seat themselves - ever.
4. Never tell lies to your date or pretend anything about your life that isn't true. If this is your perfect match for God's sake do not allow it to be ruined by some silly lie told early on.
5. Never be too available. Being available every night of the week and at the end of every whimsical phone call or possible rendezvous means you are making yourself uninteresting and a possible doormat. Be busy, be unavailable generally and be interesting.
6. Don't give away too much about yourself at the start. People love enigma and mystery. Revealing to your new date your inner most secrets on date number two will quickly ruin everything. A small bit at a time people.
7. Never check other people out when you are with your date. You may think you are subtle , your date will be heading for the door. Have the courtesy of concentrating solely on your date when you are with them.
8. Don't be rude or get drunk on a date. Courtesy and manners will get you everywhere.
9. Don't ignore your personal safety when dating. Have a cellular phone and keep it charged, tell your friends where you are going and be safe. Date at first in well known public places and never ever be pushed into anything you are not happy with.
10. Don't give out personal information like home phone numbers and addresses on a first date. Keep them until you are sure of your date and the future possibilities.
11. Don't have sex on a first date if you ever want to see your new date again. If you like them and are interested in them, sex on a first date will usually ruin everything. Its too much too soon and is not the way of romance. Believe me I am 100% certain on this.
12. Never date a married person. They will not leave their husbands or wives for you (except exceptionally rarely). Married dating is the sure fire way to misery, lies, deceit, lack of self respect and loss of romance. If you are married, separate first. If you are single, don't be a shoulder to cry on, you deserve far better.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriend's Parents

1. My parole officer thinks Teri has a calming effect on me.
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3. Which one of you taught Monica to give such great head?
4. Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife (Debbie/et al) can be rather vindictive at times.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
7. Angie is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8. Nice place you've got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice
home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV
test results are negative! I bet Monica's will be okay too.
10. Can I put my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will
stay lost...

Dr. Laura

Dear Dr. laura
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan, Jim

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

30 things not to say to naked man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Only in America

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

Friday, July 4, 2008

banned bud light commercial

Man, I really love this machismo-oozing beer commercials! Hehe! This one from Bud Light is hilariously funny but due to a shocking painful “event”, this has been banned. Go watch!

Girls are like..

Girls are like apples on trees.
The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones
because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with
them, when in reality,
they're amazing.
They just have to wait for
the right
boy to come
along, the one
brave enough

to climb all
the way
the top
the tree.