1. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
2. Ask for extra homo-sapien
3. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
4. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
5. Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over $30.
6. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
7. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
9. Order a one-inch pizza.
10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
11. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
12. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.
13. Change your accent every three seconds.
14. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
15. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
16. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
17. Imitate the order taker's voice.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
20. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
21. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
22. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
25. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Sunday, June 29, 2008
1. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
1. TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
2. TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication On the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
3. TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
4. TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
5. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
6. TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years
7. TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
8. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
9. TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
10. TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also
admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
11. TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
12. TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
13. TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
PUPIL: A teacher.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET: WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
1. Surface usually covered in painted film. 2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter if incorrectly used. 5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore. 6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason. 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol. 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
1. Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is fashionably acceptable
2. Would not have needed huge effects budget for 'Captain EO'
3. In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father of Billie Jean's son
4. Could really walk on moons
5. After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the Sith
6. Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with anti-violence message of 'Beat It'
7. Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never had
8. Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more realistic
9. Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet
10. Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke look manly
An Irish woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his check up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, Mommy?"
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
where is Jesus?
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f**k**g beautiful!'"
you'd be a ten
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you would let me go piss, you'd be a ten!!!"
One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definitely in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her. She said: the sky is definitely blue! I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else? Timmy raised his hand and said: the grass is definitely green. I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else? Little Johnny raises his hand and says: Teacher do farts have lumps? The teacher says,no why? Jonny says: Than I definitely Shit my pants!
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”
Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowance - Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine”
By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to.
After a second, Mr.Smith says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so far………”
Mr. Smith faints………….
This is a spoof of the trailer for film "The Eye," starring Jessica Alba. For added viewing pleasure, you might want to check out the original trailer HERE first. We think you can appreciate ours on its own, but when compared to the actual trailer, it just sweetens the taste.